


Perfection lies between dinosaur and tuna fish sandwich

by Zeus_Forehead



Category: Calvin & Hobbes
Genre: Comedy, Gen, fluffy babies, fluffy baby tigers, how is baby formed, tuna fish sandwich
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 18:48:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14431863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeus_Forehead/pseuds/Zeus_Forehead
Summary: Tigers are nimbleAnd light on their toesMy REspect for tigersContinually grows.OrThat time Calvin accidentally got himself pregnant with tiger cubs.





	Perfection lies between dinosaur and tuna fish sandwich

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Katherine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katherine/gifts).



“Hobbes! Hobbes, come look at my new, fantastical invention!”

“Isn’t that your transmogrifier?” Hobbes asked, eyeing the cardboard box that had been, at different points in time, been a time machine, a transmogrifier and the Cerebral Enhance-O-Tron.

“Of course not. When you’re facing this side, it’s a transmogrifier. When THIS side is front, it’s the newest, the best, the fantastical Creation Machine!” Calvin declared with a grand gesture.

“Ahh. What does it do?”

“It creates things!” There was a crazed glint in Calvin’s eyes. “Dinosaurs, catapults, anything I want!”

Hobbed licked his lips. “Can you create a tuna fish sandwich? With not too much mayo.”

“A tuna fish sandwich?” Calvin exploded, glaring up at his tiger. “This is the invention of the century and you want to use it for dinner?”

“Well, I’m hungry. Feeding a hungry, man-eating tiger is a deed worthy of a great invention.” Hobbes rubbed his tummy.

“Fine!” Calvin grabbed a pencil and scribbled ‘tuna fish sandwich’ on the side of the cardboard box. There was a dial, and two other spots already read ‘dinosaur’ and ‘tiger’. He turned the dial towards ‘tuna fish sandwich’ and made a low boooooooom hissss sound. “Okay, check under the Fantastical Creation Machine, there should be the best tuna fish sandwich ever made under there.”

Hobbes carefully lifted the side of the cardboard box and peeked under it. There was a tuna fish sandwich on a plate. “Amazing,” he agreed while he chewed on the sandwich.

“Of course I’m amazing.” Calvin preened for a moment. “Stand back, I’m going to create a tiger next.”

“There can never be too many tigers,” Hobbes agreed. “Make him a tuna fish sandwich while you’re at it.”

“If I make a tuna fish sandwich first, you’ll just eat it,” Calvin replied and turned the dial to ‘tiger’. He made a low sssssssssssst noise, but when he raised the side of the cardboard box, there was nothing there. “Where is the tiger?”

“Maybe he ran downstairs to get some tuna fish,” Hobbes suggested, licking his paws clean.

“Wouldn’t we have seen him?”

“Tigers are prodigiously fast,” Hobbes explained haughtily. “And sneaky. We aren’t seen unless we want to.”

“Okay, okay.” Calvin thought for a moment. “So I’ll create a tuna fish sandwich, then I’ll sit under the Creation Machine with it so that YOU don’t eat it. Then you create a tiger and I’ll hand him the tuna fish sandwich.”

“Why don’t I hold the tuna fish sandwich?” Hobbes grinned hungrily.

“Because you’ll eat it!” Calvin yelled.

“Fine, but don’t blame me if the other tiger eats you.”

Calvin put his vortex goggles on for safety before turning the dial to ‘tuna fish sandwich’ again. He quickly lifted the corner of the cardboard box and climbed under it. “Okay, I’m in position! Start the machine!” he called.

Hobbes paw hovered over ‘tuna fish sandwich’ for a moment, but then he turned the dial towards ‘tiger’.

“Did you turn it on yet?” Calvin called from under the box. “Do it again!”

“Sure,” Hobbes agreed and quickly turned the dial between ‘tuna fish sandwich’ and ‘tiger’ four more times.

Two minutes later, Calvin lifted the box and climbed out, carrying five tuna fish sandwiches. “You were supposed to create tigers, not sandwiches, you greedy fleabag!” he yelled.

“Oh yeah? Why do you even NEED five tigers?” Hobbes growled, and just that fast a fight broke out.

  
Dust flew, claws were unsheathed, and soon they were both dirty and exhausted. “I guess the stupid Creation Machine can’t make any tigers,” Calvin grumbled.

“Then you don’t need these sandwiches, right?” Hobbes said around a mouth full of tuna fish.

Calvin sat and grumbled to himself while Hobbes devoured the food. “There are only two possible explanations,” he finally exclaimed. “Either tigers are too awesome to be created, or the tigers ended up inside me.”

“Inside you?” Hobbes raised an eyebrow. “Tigers eat people, not the other way around.”

“I didn’t eat them! But they aren’t anywhere else, right? I was in the machine.” Calvin’s eyes were wide with sudden panic. “Do you think they’ll BURST out of me?”

“No, I don’t think so,” Hobbes replied around a mouthful of tuna fish. “Tigers aren’t messy like that.”

That wasn’t exactly believable, since Hobbes was messily devouring a tuna and mayo sandwich, but Calvin was too excited by his idea to argue about that. “If they grow in my tummy, I’ll be their mom, right? Then they’ll have to do what I say! I can make them take baths, make them clean my room, and get them to eat anyone I don’t like! I’ll be King Calvin I, the mighty ruler with the tiger army!” He cackled madly.

“Uh huh,” Hobbes agreed, licking his whiskers after he finished the last bit of mayo. “You never do what your mom tells you.”

“Yeah, but she makes me take a bath anyway,” Calvin replied, undisturbed. “It must be some sort of mom-power.” A faint meowing came from Calvin’s bellybutton. “Hobbes! Did you hear that?”

“It’s the five other tigers,” Hobbes agreed, putting his ear to Calvin’s tummy. “They’re telling you they want tuna fish. Or salmon. Lots of salmon.”

“Oh no, how do I feed them?” Calvin asked. “Mom will throw a fit if I squeeze tuna through my bellybutton!”

A shared grin was all that was needed, and a moment later, they tore down the stairs to the kitchen.

“Mooom,” Calvin called. “Do we have any salmon? Can I have five tuna fish sandwiches and a platter of salmon to feed the tigers in my tummy?”

“I thought you didn’t like tuna fish?” Calvin’s mom asked.

“It’s not for me! It’s for the tigers!” Calvin replied. “Geez, mom, do you never listen?”

“You can have one sandwich.” Calvin’s mom smeared mayo on a slice of bread. “Any more and you’ll ruin your appetite for dinner.”

“You expect me to feed FIVE hungry tigers with one sandwich?”

“Don’t you have homework to do?” Calvin’s mom asked, shooing him out of the kitchen.

Grumpily, Calvin carried the tuna fish sandwich up to his room. “Now what do I DO with this?” he asked.

“You could give it to me. I’m hungry tiger,” Hobbes suggested.

Calvin pulled his shirt off. “Help me get this in my tummy.”

Hobbes watched for a moment while Calvin pressed a corner of the sandwich against his bellybutton. Something moved under the skin, little paws pressing against Calvin’s stomach. “Ohh, they’re fighting!”

“Fighting?!” Calvin exclaimed. “What do I do, Hobbes? One sandwich can never be enough for five tigers! They’ll eat me once they’ve devoured the tuna fish!”

“Maybe the mayo will slow them down.”

“I know! I’ll just create more tuna fish sandwiches with my Creation Machine!” Calvin exclaimed. He ran over to the cardboard box and turned the dial to ‘tuna fish sandwich’. “Hobbes, how did you make multiple sandwiches?” he asked, looking at the dial.

“I switched between ‘tiger’ and ‘sandwich’,” Hobbes explained.

“But I don’t NEED any more tigers!” Calvin yelled. He rubbed his tummy, trying to calm the rolling tigers inside down. “I know! I’ll make some dinosaurs.”

“Won’t those be even hungrier?” Hobbes asked.

“No, I’ll just turn the Creation Machine back into a Time Machine and send the dinosaurs back to the jurassic age,” Calvin explained. Without any hesitation, he quickly flipped the dial between ‘sandwich’ and ‘dinosaur’. A mighty roar sounded. “Quick, Hobbes. I’ll lift the corner and you pull out the tuna fish sandwiches. Then I’ll send the dinosaurs back in time.”

Hobbes crossed his forelegs in front of his chest. “I don’t want to be eaten by dinosaurs.”

“They won’t eat you! Tigers are at the top of the food chain!”

Calvin lifted the corner of the shaking box and Hobbes reached a lightning quick paw under it and pulled out a stack of tuna fish sandwiches. A green, scaly tail flicked out from under the box but vanished back under it just as quickly. Calvin dropped the cardboard box and ran around to the other side of the box to start the time machine. One last roar and then silence.

“Calvin! Stop that infernal roaring!” his mom called up the stairs.

“That wasn’t me! That was the dinosaurs!” Calvin yelled in reply.

Hobbes had already eaten three sandwiches by this point, but luckily there were a number more. Calvin squished another one against his bellybutton until it vanished into his tummy. The fighting in his tummy got wilder, if anything, so he quickly added four more sandwiches, until quiet munching and purring sounded from his belly.

“Phew,” he wiped the sweat from his forehead. “That was close. I was sure I was gonna get eaten.”

Hobbes stretched and yawned. “What now?”

“I don’t know, maybe a nap to calm the tigers down?” Calvin climbed into his bed and Hobbes settled down beside him. Eyes drifting shut, Calvin petted his tummy and the tigers inside it even after he fell asleep.

An hour later, Calvin’s dad called him downstairs to help in the garden. Calvin picked up sticks grumpily while his dad mowed the lawn and Hobbes watched lazily. Suddenly Calvin dropped the sticks. “I can’t feel the tigers moving anymore!” he gasped.

“What are you talking about?” his dad asked, but Calvin was already running inside. Halfway up the stairs, he heard his mom’s voice.

“Calvin!” his mother called. “Why are there five stuffed tigers in your bed?”


End file.
